Not All Emotions Must Be Named

The moving van is arriving next week and I’m a walking zombie of stoic emotion. Never mind that stoic emotion sounds like an oxymoron.  The point is that I can’t name what I’m feeling.  I do know that it’s the offspring of change.  Big change. Big life changes often birth rascals called fear, anticipation, sorrow, excitement, anxiety, irritability, and the particularly problem child – overwhelmed.  I’m thinking my emotion more aligns with stunned.  (I dealt with overwhelmed a couple of months ago).  But stunned does seem inappropriate.  This move has been approaching for over 3 months now.  So scrap that.  And this unnamed emotion has birthed some of the above.  Including irritability, my family might add.

I’ve talked to a few people who have moved from city to city or state to state a lot in their lives and we really can’t relate to one another.  Change is normal to them.  It’s not that they felt nothing leaving friends and family with each change of home, but it’s a familiar part of life to them.  Natural and healthy, they tell me.  They don’t spend time analyzing it.  Embrace the change!

I think I just hit on it!  This emotion is not familiar.  This life experience is not familiar.  It’s foreign.  Consequently, this emotion filling me, as I enter my last eleven days in the state I’ve always lived in (yes, I’m counting), is a horse with no name.  Who says that song makes no sense?

No need for a neat little, succinct word for what I’m feeling. I love many people who I’m leaving.  I love the opportunities of the adventure that awaits me.  I love the beauty of the state I’m leaving.  I love the beauty of the state I’m going to.  I’m sad to leave my comfy community.  I’m excited to have an adventure.  I want to ride this horse.  But there’s some chafing as I learn to ride!  Sorry for that word picture.  And I’m sorry for getting the afore mentioned song in your head.  I can barely think myself, because of the impulse to sing those darn lyrics. If you’re too young to remember a classic from the early ’70s, I know, I’ve lost you.  I’ve probably lost everyone with my rambling.

So, heck with it.  I’m going to give into the song and give up on analyzing my present emotions.  And after singing it once or twice, I’ll pray, take some melatonin and sleep.  God willing, I’ll sleep.

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Performing My Vows Day after Day

Once again, I find myself confused by the timing of an event in my life.  If it doesn’t make complete sense does that mean it is a poor choice?  Not of God?  Or, is this an opportunity to trust God in it and lean not unto my own understanding?  No simple answer here.

I find it helpful to weigh the odd timing with the many ways the Holy Spirit has spoken yes into this event.  My husband and I are moving. Across the country. For the first time in our lives.  The questionable timing?  My parents are in their 80s and live here.  And we’ve built community here.

But what else is true?  God has provided a job for my husband through many years of uncertainty at his company.  Our daughters are into adulthood.  My husband is about to be 60 years old.  Not an optimum time to be looking for work.   His office is closing down and he’s been given another position within the same company.  Truth about God – he provides.

How else has God spoken yes to me?

He speaks through my longings and discontentment. I’ve been longing for a call to serve Jesus in new ways. Feeling stagnant and restless.  Wanting the unknown – begging for something different.  And even becoming aware of the disconnect in suburbia and the benefits of city living.  (I’m moving from a suburb to a city).

He speaks through the location where he’s sending us.  The very town I visited two decades ago and flippantly observed, “wouldn’t it be fun to live here after my kids have grown?”.  And now, an added attraction: my brother lives just a fifteen minute drive from this town that caught my imaginations.

He’s been speaking in what he has be teaching me for a few years.  He’s been teaching me to apply the work and triumph of the authority of Jesus over my domain (wherever it is).  His work provides forgiveness and death to sin; His work provides a life of faith to love and hope, and an ability to receive and give joy in all circumstances; His work provides wisdom, power and strength for the battles here on earth.  His work has given me the ability to say yes to the unknown.

He’s reminded me my greatest vows are to him.  He’s been pouring concrete around my conviction that my purpose and life is in my union with him.  My place is in his tent.  He’s enabled me to say yes to his plans.

Psalm 61 – “Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint.  Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy.  Let me dwell in your tent forever!  Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings!  For you, O God, have heard my vows; you have given me the heritage of those who fear your name…So will I ever sing praises to your name, as I perform my vows day after day.”