The moving van is arriving next week and I’m a walking zombie of stoic emotion. Never mind that stoic emotion sounds like an oxymoron. The point is that I can’t name what I’m feeling. I do know that it’s the offspring of change. Big change. Big life changes often birth rascals called fear, anticipation, sorrow, excitement, anxiety, irritability, and the particularly problem child – overwhelmed. I’m thinking my emotion more aligns with stunned. (I dealt with overwhelmed a couple of months ago). But stunned does seem inappropriate. This move has been approaching for over 3 months now. So scrap that. And this unnamed emotion has birthed some of the above. Including irritability, my family might add.
I’ve talked to a few people who have moved from city to city or state to state a lot in their lives and we really can’t relate to one another. Change is normal to them. It’s not that they felt nothing leaving friends and family with each change of home, but it’s a familiar part of life to them. Natural and healthy, they tell me. They don’t spend time analyzing it. Embrace the change!
I think I just hit on it! This emotion is not familiar. This life experience is not familiar. It’s foreign. Consequently, this emotion filling me, as I enter my last eleven days in the state I’ve always lived in (yes, I’m counting), is a horse with no name. Who says that song makes no sense?
No need for a neat little, succinct word for what I’m feeling. I love many people who I’m leaving. I love the opportunities of the adventure that awaits me. I love the beauty of the state I’m leaving. I love the beauty of the state I’m going to. I’m sad to leave my comfy community. I’m excited to have an adventure. I want to ride this horse. But there’s some chafing as I learn to ride! Sorry for that word picture. And I’m sorry for getting the afore mentioned song in your head. I can barely think myself, because of the impulse to sing those darn lyrics. If you’re too young to remember a classic from the early ’70s, I know, I’ve lost you. I’ve probably lost everyone with my rambling.
So, heck with it. I’m going to give into the song and give up on analyzing my present emotions. And after singing it once or twice, I’ll pray, take some melatonin and sleep. God willing, I’ll sleep.